In his first-ever political opinion, Michael Longfellow made a final plea to save TikTok after the app was officially shut down earlier today.
Joining “Weekend Update” co-host Michael Che, the featured player's 3-minute appearance highlighted all the reasons why the US government wants to keep the social media platform available to its residents.
In response to Xi's assertion that there were legitimate reasons to impose a ban on the app, Longfellow responded, saying: “Like what? Because it's Chinese? So we're only banning things because they're from China now? Do you know who else was from China?” [pointing upward toward the sky] That's right, Jesus Christ. I thought it was Middle Eastern, but I saw it on TikTok: Chinese!
What about data privacy concerns? “Who cares about my data? Oh no, China knows I like thick Latinas. Who doesn't? 'Give me a break,'” he joked in his signature deadpan delivery.
And brain rot? “I don't have the attention span. I have ADHD. I'll never forget my diagnosis. It was last year. I took a test on TikTok, and the third time I took it, I was told I might have ADHD,” he said, adding that The application prescribed Adderall.
In a moment of absurdity, Longfellow laments that he cannot remember his life before TikTok: “I know I lived a life before TikTok — I have to. But that boy died. He's dead and will never come back. Without TikTok, I wouldn't know anything anymore. What do I do at work? What do I even watch during a movie?
What about the movie itself? “but during“Chi,” said Longfellow, “when I get bored for a few seconds? I’ll move to China.”
This week's clip also featured Sarah Sherman in heavy prosthetics and an exaggerated Transylvanian accent like the original Nosferatu, commenting on Robert Eggers' new clip. The featured player acted alongside co-host Colin Jost, giving the audience a familiar dose of the duo's signature banter and a dig at the latter's cocaine use and chauvinism.
“I believed [the adaptation] Suck!” she said, standing up, her long claws twitching as the shot transitioned to a black-and-white filter and dissonant piano chords played. (One of several Nosferatu à la SpongeBob SquarePants.)
Among the complaints: “How did it swell? “Vampires only have one session a day and it's like that,” she said, crossing her arms over her chest and moving slowly as she emerged from the coffin.
See the clips below:
