This party season, everyone seems to be skinny.
Collarbones rise from party dresses, cheekbones are sculpted, and middle-age waists appear once again, while arms once described as “peachy” are now long and curvy.
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“Ozempic,” my friend told me, before running down a list of famous names who are now 10 kilograms lighter thanks to a semaglutide “weight-loss” injection.
It's easy to see how tempting that is, especially when you consider that we average about 6,000 calories on Christmas Day alone.
Like most people, I had turkeys, potatoes, pigs covered in blankets, and almost anything else I had in front of me.
As with most people, I'll probably stop at the end of the month.
But I was in the company of those in Ozempic during this period.
This is a bit sad. The plates are half finished, the turkey is selected into them.
Dinner ends too early because they don't have the same appetite or excitement for food, which is an integral part of the festive period.
With all the hype, is it any wonder that an estimated 500,000 Britons are now buying weight-loss drugs online, with many more set to join them next January?
I have no problem with those in Ozempic.
I know many people who have struggled with their weight for years who now claim to have gotten their life back.
But I'm jealous.
Let me explain. . . I'm at my heaviest ever.
This means that party dresses from years ago are unfortunately sitting in my closet.
I'm relieved that my New Year's Eve plans involve nothing more than sitting at home with my husband, where nothing really works.
How did this happen? A bunch of reasons, actually.
First, I've been working at home for the past three years, which means I spend a lot of time wearing “boyfriend” jeans that are one step away from a cookie jar.
I've never lost my “Covid quarantine” (well, “Covid quarantine and a half”), which happens when you make sourdough bread every day — and eat it.
Then, a few months ago, my father died, and grief sent me swinging back into the arms of carbs and trans fats.
So here I am. Six kilograms heavier.
I can't bear to have my picture taken.
“I'm terrified”
On vacation, I had to buy cycling shorts because my upper thighs rubbed so much.
“Why don't we just take Ozempic?” asked a friend, who has been using it for the past year and a half with amazing results.
The answer is complicated.
First, I had a completely unprovoked seizure about 2 years ago.
Unconscious, I “evacuated” myself, foaming at the mouth. . . No expert could figure out why.
It is thought – although there is no conclusive evidence yet – that Ozempic can cause hypoglycemia in rare cases.
This is a condition in which the blood sugar level drops dangerously low, leading to… . . Seizures!
So that's one of the reasons. I'm terrified.
Secondly, I've heard about the side effects – emaciated faces a la Edvard Munch, loss of muscle (there's talk of flat butts and flabby arms).
What happens when you get out of it? I know a woman who dropped out of Ozempic after a year.
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Six months later, she regained all the weight she lost and more.
(Since my father had diabetes, I am increasingly less flexible about the moral stance, since Ozempic is a drug typically given to diabetics.)
So he is not a visitor for me.
So, I'm losing weight the hard way, through diet and exercise.
Like most people, I became familiar with Ozempic in 2022.
There were rumors that Kim Kardashian used it to drop the 20 pounds needed to fit into Marilyn Monroe's “sparkling” dress that she wore to the Met Gala that year.
A few months later, Vanity Fair magazine published an article on the subject.
It wasn't long until rumors spread that it could be prescribed off-label.
In other words, you can buy it without seeing a doctor.
I didn't know anyone who actually used it. I thought it was going to be one of those crazy Hollywood things, like a $200,000 plastic surgery that only actors and crazy rich people get done.
“total failure”
Until a year later, everyone started looking much thinner.
Most people, when under pressure, are vague about how they do it.
“Low carb,” “minimize,” “do more in the gym” were all routine answers.
However, I have never seen such drastic results through diet and exercise.
First, I was confused. Why didn't these things work so quickly for me?
Then I felt frustrated because I had failed to be as disciplined as I clearly was.
To suddenly find myself in a world where everyone, even those who struggled with their weight, had control over it, was devastating.
I felt like a complete failure.
Until I started to realize that almost everyone was in on the “hit.”
Of all the new skinny bodies I've seen over the past year — and there are a lot of them — only one person has publicly admitted to taking Ozempic. I only know everyone's secret because my stupid friends told me.
At first, I was angry. Anger that dresses up as moral self-righteousness but is actually jealousy.
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Then I felt desperate – “Oh, damn…what's the point?”, I'd say to myself as I picked up a tub of Marks & Spencer chocolate custard cream.
And then I knew I had to figure it all out. My husband said, “If you're really suffering, why don't you see a specialist?”
So, after I tried every weird diet in the book, I hired a dietitian. I'm lucky.
She's the same lady who taught me CrossFit.
I love the fact that she knows me and my body (by the way, you can follow all her plans for free at @Nutrition_By_Niks).
“shameful secret”
She taught me that protein is basically a natural ozone (my words, not hers).
Eat enough of it with every meal and you won't feel hungry later.
She didn't tell me to stop eating sugar, however, by adding small additions to my diet, I naturally cut out almost all sugar.
The result is that I feel a sense of clarity.
It's not easy to do it this way. This means getting to know my body and nutrition, and spending less money.
Maybe it means I won't wear these party dresses for another year.
This is fine for me. It works! Slowly, surely, surely.
This means I can still enjoy food and won't get a flabby butt. It's much cheaper than a £300 dose once a month.
And a little better? You don't need to keep it a shameful secret.
