Dear Abby: I have a friend, Doug, whom I've known for 30 years. I moved away, but we meet once or twice a year. She has known his wife longer than him and has watched their son grow, attending his sports activities when visiting and contributing to school fundraising activities. He's a good kid.
I recently heard rumors that Doug made inappropriate advances toward and touched women within our circle of friends. It happened once when I was there. It is unfortunate that there is more than one accusation. I don't doubt those rumours. Although I did not witness it, the behavior following the event makes sense to me now.
I'm sad, frustrated, and a little angry. I have distanced myself from Doug because one of the victims is also a close friend. I feel guilty for maintaining my relationship with him as if nothing had happened. Doug's wife and son keep asking me when I'll visit again. Now that I'm semi-retired, I no longer have any excuses. I can't disappear from the network, and obviously I don't want to be the one who destroys the family. I also don't want to insult the victim by acting as if nothing happened. Is there a way out of this? – Torn in Wisconsin
Dear Ripper: I'm going to assume that friend Doug touched him inappropriately He said You know what happened, and you didn't hear about it directly. If so, the rumors are credible. Did this change in Doug's behavior occur because he was drunk or otherwise impaired? If the answer is no, he may have a medical problem and needs to be evaluated by his doctor.
If you are really friends with his wife, tell her what you were told, that rumors are spreading and that you are worried about him. This may not be news she wants to hear, but it's important to be told.
Dear Abby: I'm a guy who recently found a new job with a group of people I know and like. One of my brothers died by suicide a little over 10 years ago. I miss her so much, but I got through the stages of grief, accepted it and moved on.
We had a party at work recently. People were talking about family and siblings, and it was my turn to talk about my brothers. I said I had two, but one died. I felt like it wasn't the ideal response in this situation, which I've been in many times over the years. What is the best way to answer a question about a deceased sibling? I don't want to forget her and all the wonderful memories I had with her. – Embarrassing in Massachusetts
Dear Embarrassed: You handled the situation appropriately. You are not obligated to discuss the death of a sibling or other relative for that matter during a party. Certainly, doing otherwise would have fueled the festive atmosphere. This is something that is best discussed in private if you wish.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jane Phillips, and founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or PO Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
