Dear Abby: My friend is married to a shark. He hates spending money. They are retired and have significant assets. He never bought her anything for her birthday or took her to dinner. He also doesn't buy her a card on Valentine's Day.
They each have their own homes and move back and forth between them. When he comes to her house, she stocks her refrigerator. When you go to him, he has no food. You should go to the market and buy food for both of them. Then he gets angry in the market for spending money on food. He hates restaurants because they cost money.
Because it is so cheap, he goes to the local hospital and buys his dinner from the cafeteria there. They keep their finances separate, but she feels he should Something For her on holidays and special occasions.
She's always doing nice things for him, like inviting him to sporting events, dinner parties, etc. If they go out with a group of people, he gets upset about splitting the bill. She always puts money under the table for him so he can pay his share and her share.
At this point, his cheapness affects their marriage. Abby, can you suggest anything to change the cheap pair? He has the resources. He just didn't want to spend any of it. — Friend asked
Dear question: If your friend and her husband spent a reasonable amount of time together before marriage, she must have been aware of his “weirdness.” He may have a deep fear of poverty. As his poverty becomes increasingly difficult for her to live with, she must speak up. It may have been very wise to keep their homes and financial assets separate. (She did not say whether they were happy in other aspects of their marriage.)
Counseling may help — if he's willing to admit there's a problem. If she's asking you for advice, suggest that she become less generous and eat well before she gets to his house. If his locker is empty, he, not she, must go to the store to fill it or even eat dinner in the hospital cafeteria. Not every spouse needs gifts, but because they do and they choose to ignore them, you may have to accept that they are two completely different people. While opposites can attract, in this case, that doesn't seem to be the case. What a shame.
Dear Abby: I have been a widow for three years. There's a guy I've known for eight years, and I've had a crush on him for two years. I'm not sure how to talk to him about my feelings and I don't want to ruin our friendship. How do I talk to him and not ruin our friendship? — Feeling lost
Dear Feeling Lost: Do you communicate with this person? If you do, next time you go out together, tell him how much you like him and how special he is to you. If his reaction is positive, tell him that you might like him. Then listen. I wouldn't call it overkill, but if he runs for the hills, you'll know your crush isn't being reciprocated. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jane Phillips, and founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at http://www.DearAbby.com or PO Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
